Just Ask James

Dear James,

You have some serious anger management issues. You’re always the one that says you don’t care about anything, but if that were true, you would not be so disdainful of everyone and everything. Ever consider that maybe there are valid opinions and thought processes other than your own?

Gay Rights

Gay Rights:

You originally posted this as a comment, but your hubris was so amusing I thought I’d just make a post out of it. Of course people have valid opinions and thought processes other than my own. Valid, however, does not equate logical, well-thought out, or even correct. You act as if I am oppressing people through a lil’ website that one has to click to come to. It’s as if the sheer magnitude of my charismatic essence forces people to come here. As flattering as that is, I am only a boy.

We all have opinions. I have opinions. You have opinions. The only difference, is that I voice my opinions as me. I don’t hide behind pseudonyms or facades, because unlike you I’m not a pussy (keep in mind I get all of the good information you don’t think I do when you submit articles). I don’t actually care if you like me or not. All I care is that you know that I’ve got the balls to not leave you wondering what I think. I’m…what’s the word? Honest. If you’re honest, no matter how stupid you may be, I will respect you. I however will not idly sit by and listen to dribble just because it’s a “valid opinion.” Killing someone out of rage is valid too. It’s not right, but it’s valid.

In closing, before you rear your high horse up to me, remember that I sit on a very tall pedestal. I had to climb at least two different soap boxes to get here.  As such, on that horse, you’re within perfect reach to be bitch-slapped back down to where your overly sensitive and annoyingly banal ass deserves to be.  So if you want to practice being self righteous and holier-than-thou, do like most people: go chat with the invisible man at church and throw a few more dollar bills into a food dish. I hope it makes you feel better.

By the way…thanks for the pat on the back. Any traffic is good traffic, even if you drive a pinto.

With empty tears,

James

“Dear James,

Well I’m in the service industry (yay!), as a full time bartender (yay!), in a North Carolina city (boo!). Unemployment has doubled here and business has taken a downturn. To make matters worse, I’m unhappy here, my job seems to constantly be on the rocks (no pun intended), and now the one thing that used to make me happy (my job) is becoming something I’m stressing about constantly. I want to move to Washington, DC where the economy is dominated by stable government jobs so the economy is still strong. The problems I have here are: 1) I own a condo here and wouldn’t be able to sell it. 2) I’m a year away from finishing school. 3) I’d have to start out serving up there and work my way up to bartender (again) which, from my experience means more hours and less pay.

Yet on the bright side: 1) I’d be happier (isn’t that what it’s all about) 2) If I could make what I think I could I’d be double or tripling my savings money, which would let me still be able to pay rent here and there along with having twice as much money to pay off credit cards, student loans, etc. 3) I’d be fulfilling a dream of living in a large city (something I’ve always wanted to do)

I visited there last weekend and was basically offered jobs if I would move there sooner than I planned, but I can’t do it due to obligations here, but that at least lets me know that I can get a job with little problem. (3 yrs of Serving and a year of bartending, with a year of wine and beer retail sales mixed in)

What the hell should I do?

IONTOP”

IONTOP:

The first thing I’d suggest you do is ask your school for its money back.   Due to the extreme abundance of run-on sentences, the English department hath failed thee.  Secondly, I’d like to you to pull your panties out of their wad and look at your situation in a less selfish eye.   “Wah-wah my pussy hurts” gets old really fast.  Being in the service industry (which I used to be a part of), you should already know that.

Let’s take a real look at the situation, shall we?  You already own a condo, have a job (while you say it is on the rocks, I have my doubts — because we all know that no matter what the economy is like people will find excuses to drink), are able to afford school (some people cannot afford it even with loans), and have dreams and goals.   Life for you, my friend (and I use that lightly), could be much, MUCH worse.  You have all of these resources at your disposal and are still hemming, hawing, whining, bitching and moaning about your “happiness” with a small town.

What is it that you really desire?   Is it a hustling bustling life?   Probably not.  I have an odd feeling that you are someone who has to have change constantly.   This is probably why working as a liquor slinger is something you enjoy.  It also probably means you’ve cheated on every girl (or guy) you’ve dated.  Use this dubious nature to your advantage.

The first thing you should do is make a plan.   Try to keep it concise, because if you write it like you did your question to me it might take longer to read than it would be to do.   Set some short term (weekly), mid-term (monthly) and long-term (yearly) goals and ways that you can work towards them.   Keep this all written down as you make your progress so you will have tangible proof that you are working towards your goal of moving.

In this economy, you are right, you won’t be able to sell your condo.   However, you COULD rent it out, provided your HOA (which are of the devil) permits such.   Depending upon how much your mortgage or payments are, you might even be able to MAKE money on it.  If not, you can at least offset the cost of dual-city living.

You MUST finish school.   Before you move, just suck it up and finish school.  If you only have a year left, you have no real reason (given what you’ve written) to not finish.   If you quit early you will just have debt and nothing to show for it.   Get your piece of paper.    That paper matters more than your abilities at a job.

Finishing that last year of school will also give you plenty of time to plan for the big move, find someone to rent your condo, and give you plenty of time to take a few weekend trips up to DC to network.   Networking will be very vital for a smooth transition.   Make sure to treat your trips up there as business trips.   Go out to clubs, see if you can scrounge up cards with names and numbers for those people offering your jobs (and fucking give them a call thanking them for even giving your ass the time of day).   Make some friends and build some social networks in the area.

As far as your job is concerned, bartenders are a dime a dozen.   If you get fired or your job fails, it’s probably your fault.   Fix it or find another job (or do both at the same time).  Not much more I can say on that except give me my martini…extra dry and extra dirty.

If you take my advice, you’ll turn out for the better.  Your situation isn’t bad even if you don’t.  You’re a lot better off than a lot of people right now.   With that said, quit fucking whining.   It makes you look like more of an ungrateful douche than you obviously are.

With razorblade confetti,

James

“Dear James,

About one and a half years ago I met a great (or so I thought) guy at work. He was good looking, educated, employed, and nice. That all looks good on paper right? So we start dating and it ended badly (of course) early last year. Since we work together in a rather small office, I’ve tried to maintain a friendly working relationship. That was apparently my second mistake. Now, over a year after I dumped him, he still doesn’t get it. I’ve actually said “I don’t want you. I don’t want to be with you!! Why can’t you get it through your head?” Even that didn’t work. He still asks me out and talks about how we were “meant for each other”. What do I do? What am I doing wrong (other than the obvious)? How do I get through to him without making the workplace completely unbearable? My patience has run out and i’m about out of nice and polite. HELP!!!!

Doesn’t Stutter”

Doesn’t Stutter:

You say “That was my second mistake.” That leads me to believe that you already know that your first mistake and initial delve into idiocy was dating someone who works with you. When you date someone who works with you you can’t fucking get rid of them when your relationship eventually does down the crapper, like you can do with someone who doesn’t work with you. Good for you for having the sense to know that you are most to blame with the current situation you are in. That, however, does not exonerate you from my ire.

You are indeed correct by saying that your second mistake was trying to maintain a friendly working environment. There is no reason to be friendly at work. You are there to do a job. He is there to do a job. You are not there to make friends and you are definitely not there there find hookup buddies, boyfriends or husbands. Don’t make that mistake again. Notice that you said he was “educated.” You did not say he was smart. Just because he read a few good books while stalking his next ex-girlfriend doesn’t mean he has any sense whatsoever. This is fully realized by him ignoring your declaration that you do not want him. I applaud you for saying that to him, though I have a sneaking suspicion he took it as a joke. This is likely due to the fact that you are trying to maintain a friendly working environment instead of being the cold bitch that you really are.

You have a few options in dealing with this situation. Some are more practical than others and some less.

Option #1: Maintain distance from your ex and practice the art of the cold shoulder.

This really isn’t much of an option, if you truly want this to succeed (which is highly suspect due to the fact that you even care about being nice to him after you told him to go away and he didn’t). You are to keep conversations very terse. Your sentences should contain a number of words no more than you have digits on both hands (if your hands are crippled you can get away with being meaner). You are not to ask how he is, inquire about his life or wish him luck. He is there to do a job. You are there to do a job. When it comes to him, consider yourself a robot, and not one of those pussy Stepford Wives robots either. His questions should be answered with five words or less — preferably one.

Option #2: Report him to your superiors.

Make your superiors aware of the awkward situation that is present (as if they didn’t know already) and make sure they know the steps you are trying to take (however badly you are failing at them) to rectify the situation. This could come with consequences, however. You could be asked to find another job for maintaining inappropriate relations with a fellow employee. Or your bosses could help you with the situation by reassigning your exes or your duties to ensure proper distance. I would request you or he be fired myself, seeming how much I hate inner-office romance.

Option #3: Become a rude and foul-mouthed cunt to him.

If being cold isn’t your style, then just be rude and hateful. Nothing sends most men running like someone who is honest, straight-foward, rude and vicious. Not to mention effective, it is also highly amusing. Belittle him at every chance you get. Try to find different ways to emasculate him and make him feel like complete shit any time he is around you. Unless he’s into that kinda stuff, he’d rather go shred paper in a corner than talk to you.

If none of those work, then you may consider getting another job anyway. This time try getting a job where you aren’t tempted to be a complete douche by dating other people who work there. When those relationships go sour you have to result to the above situations to get them cleared if either of you are partly insane or retarded (on no, the dreaded “r” word). And even if these tactics do work, other people who work with you two have to feel awkward around the both of you trying to get back/get away. Some of them may even be treated badly for reasons they don’t deserve, because you two were too fucking stupid to have the decency and ethics to say “This is a bad idea.”

In closing, do not date people you work with. It makes for uncomfortable situations for you, your new date and your co-workers. I don’t care how many researchers say that it could be a good thing. It’s not a good thing. It’s a bad thing, because if you are dating at work and then spending more time together at home you’re gonna fucking get sick of each other. Hell, I’m already sick of ya and I am only writing a letter to you. I couldn’t imagine spending twelve or more hours a day with you. Surely, I jest. Naw, I don’t.

With daggers,

James

“Dear James,

Ready to Hit Some Assholes:

I must caveat this posting with the appropriate message that I do not endorse illegal activity taken on behalf of my advice. Do so at your own risk and peril. If you happen to be a dumbass and do something stupid, I won’t feel bad. I will laugh, just like the rest of us.

Didn’t you get the memo? Not only are they more important than you are, but their time is shorter because they obviously have a better social life. Or at least that’s what the douchebags act like…

Your situation has caused me many days of shouting profanity and bringing ire to people who deserved ire for different reasons entirely. While the urge to play “let’s see how much of my car can fit into their trunk” seems very appealing, it is not a practical way of dealing with the situation. Playing chicken could be fun, but the possibility of ending up with a busted car is high due to the fact that those egocentric dipshits  drive better than you after years of practicing cutting people off on a moment’s notice, and you would end up wrecking and causing more traffic.   For that I’d have to write another article on why pantie stains like you do stupid things on the road to cause crashes that cause more traffic.

A few things I could suggest to vex, annoy, or generally piss off someone driving too aggressively:

• Drive halfway in the merging lane and halfway in your lane.

I have seen truckers use this tactic to amazing results on various interstate shutdowns.   People can’t get past you and there’s not much they can do about it.   That loss of control on their part will get their blood pressure through the roof and is more than worth the small bit of illegal driving, in my opinion.   Just be prepared to grin and smile if you get pulled over.   Own that shit.

• Follow behind the douchebag, playing leap-frog with him with your horn blaring and bright lights on the whole time.

Not only will this aggravate him, he could become so flustered by the bright spotlight brought upon him by you being a shining beacon of hope and justice that he would rather sit in traffic like the rest of the people than face your constant ire some more.

• And the most legal solution — take down his license plate number, grab a few pictures or videos with your phone and turn his ass in.

Nothing says lovin’ like getting extra points added to someone’s license, and giving this sad twat’s driving behavior he probably has more than enough on his license already.   If you can’t get incriminating photos or videos, which would greatly help in prosecuting said twat, you can call back every few days as a new and different person complaining of his behavior.

To the ultra-aggressive, my-time-is-better-than-yours driver — I hope someone cuts your fucking brake lines while you’re on lunch break with your trendy friends sipping on overpriced coffee and thinking how good your faux horn-rimless glasses look (They look like pompous shit, by the way).    A quick smack into the median would do your over-inflated ego some good, and hopefully it would ignite something so I could come by and piss on you in the name of goodwill.   Burn scars would also probably make you a little more humble, and may even help turn you into a decent person instead of the trail of cat sick that you are right now.

With sharp scissors,

James

“Dear James,

The boy in Seattle”

The boy in Seattle:

Oh, I DO know the story. This is not really an uncommon story either. At least you, erm…he has such good friends as you to acknowledge this situation for yoursel..umm…him before it turned into a true mid-life crisis.

What you suffer from is what I call Peter Pan syndrome. You just don’t wanna grow up and you consider yourself a giant fuck up for your friends and family. Here’s a newsflash: you are. You are a fuck up not because of the actions you do, but because of the potential people see in you and the expectations you allow them to perceive. You can only “fuck up” by giving people a sense that you are going to do something you had no intention of doing in the first place.

If you tell people you are going to do something, for fuck’s sake do it. If you had no intention of doing something or believe there’s a large possibility (and we all know when there is, don’t deny it) then man up and say “Naw. I don’t think I’ll do that.” People will then know what to expect from you and you will have a better sense of when you really do fuck up as opposed to when you are just being your douchey self.

Growing up isn’t really about becoming “an adult” by getting a well-paying nine-to-five job and having a house, wife and kids. It’s just accepting who you are and not making excuses about it. If you don’t want to settle down with someone, then don’t. Don’t act like it and don’t lead people on. That type of behavior only hurts people you may actually care about and yourself in the process. If you don’t want to stop partying, then don’t. However make sure you have rides home and be a responsible drunk. Be yourself, know yourself and own up to your nature.

Finally, you wouldn’t be writing me if you didn’t think you weren’t a douche. Changing yourself takes a lot of work and if you aren’t willing to put in the necessary effort, then quit wasting my time, your time, your friends’ time and your family’s time. Quit being a “fuck up” by letting people think you are going to be a decent person and just become the douche they know and love.

With emo cuts,

James

“Dear James,

I have been speaking with this guy I kinda like. He told me he is seeing someone, so I backed off. He then proceeds to ask for my e-mail address. I wondered what he wanted it for, but I gave it to him anyway. After I got online later and checked my email I found he had sent me some pictures of his junk. What is up with that?

Sincerely,

Flashed”

Flashed:

While being the bearer of bad news is usually something most people hate to do, I find it refreshing and invigorating. The short end of the stick is that men are generally pigs. Sadly, pigs are only marginally less intelligent than most men and pigs won’t try to find ways to cheat on you, lie to you or break your heart before they stab you in the back.

First, I’d like to address the issue from your end by pointing out your acceptance of creepish behavior. There’s a reason the Puritans were the way they were: they didn’t put up with anyone’s shit. If you get sent a picture of someone’s goody bag and this person is supposedly in a relationship or married to someone else it is YOUR responsibility to put your foot down on that behavior. “Thanks for the pic, but I don’t think your wife would approve of this and I certainly don’t, so piss off.” Anything less and you are condoning the behavior and are much more accountable for future instances of the behavior than you would like to believe. Yeah, you’ll get called a frigid ice bitch, but people will know not to fuck with you. You’ll be happier that way, I promise.

To the pic sender: You are a worthless piece of trash who deserves nothing less than a swift kick in the teeth. I hope your girlfriend, wife or boyfriend finds out how much of a sack of shit you are and does the right thing by kicking you to the curb after setting all of your fucking clothes on fire. Though, I doubt the dumb whore would have the spine to do that, because obviously she’s not smart enough to know that you are already fucking around on her.

A final word: If you are gonna commit to a relationship, do it. Keep your libido where it belongs (in your relationship) and have more willpower than a damned toaster oven. Otherwise leave the relationship and stop being afraid of being alone. That should tell you something about yourself… If you don’t want to be alone with yourself, why the fuck would anyone else?

With loving disgust,

James

“Dear James,

I have been speaking with a girl online for a while and she has fallen in love with me.  She lives in another state and has started calling around my area looking for jobs.  I feel like she’s trying to move in on me.   I don’t feel the same way about her and am wondering if I should just not answer her texts or emails and hope she gets the hint.   I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I feel this is the best way.   What do you think?

Sincerely,

Stalked and Confused”

Stalked and Confused:

You must be a man and own up to your own emotions.    You say you do not want to hurt this girl’s feelings, yet you thought it coy to lead her along enough that she fell in love with you.   You, being a typical man, have decided that once any form of commitment presents itself, as stalkish as it is, you are going to tuck tail and run.   While we expect you to be scared pussy, we would be surprisingly delighted if you would decide to grow a backbone and tell this girl how you feel.

“Look.  I am really not into you.   I know I must have done something to lead you on, and I am sorry about that.”  Try that, and make sure it’s over the phone and not via text or email — those are the coward’s way out (which I’m sure is not beneath you).  It’s short, simple and not as offensive as I am about to be.

In closing, I would like to take a moment and channel all of the people who have experienced being ignored by some ball-less pussy who would rather leave you in wonder than man-up and tell you how he feels by giving you a rousing “FUCK YOU.”

With hateful scorn,

James